That sounds sort of dumb, and I wish I had time to delve into what I mean when I say I made this "discovery", but the truth is I am entirely unprepared for a midterm on Wednesday and it seems that I am capable of doing all other tasks (cooking, cleaning, laundry, blogging...) except studying, so I really should get on that. But I will write more about this later, because I do think it's a big deal, especially for a person like me, who takes note and stock of feelings a bit more closely than the average non-over-thinking human being, I think.
Anyway, I'm just pleased, and proud, and I feel really in control and settled and grown up, and it's nice. I have been reviewing my high school Livejournal particularly closely lately, and this is something I wrote on June 13th, 2005: "I've developed passionate burning hatred for too too many people. Soon it will eat my insides and I'll die from having no heart." Of course there was no capitalization in the original. I mean, obviously that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read, but I'm not including that here to mock myself, though you're more than welcome to if you want. It's more because, that was the end of junior year of high school, and as ridiculous a statement that seems to be now...I understand that I once was a person who would write that. I can accept that at least a part of me really felt that way. And it makes me sad, but it also makes me proud, because I know I'm not that person anymore. I remember that girl, and I remember feeling that way once, but it feels like a very long time ago. The girl I am now would not say that...and as much as the girl I once was predicted (quite dramatically, I must say!) an eminent early death due to no heart, I'm pleased to say not only am I still kicking these days, but I'm quite sure my heart is pumping blood all over my body very effectively. Nice work, vascular system.
The truth is, I am just happy to be happy. I was sad for a lot of last year and I think it is not acknowledged frequently enough, but being sad hurts. Not in the "oh I am so emo, my soul is in pain," but in a very real, physical, all-consuming way. Being happy, likewise, is a palpable feeling and it influences how I view every day and I am grateful to be allowed this emotion right now. I think I will be allowed to hold onto it for some time. I think making that decision is part of growing up.