Like I said, Kayla visited this weekend, and while we managed to go out and have a good time on Friday night, I ended up home super early on Saturday night. In (sometimes) typical fashion, I was in tears.
To be fair I'd had a few drinks, and I am known to be a weepy drunk when provoked, so I can't say the meltdown was entirely organic. Nonetheless, I know it came out of a fight that had something to do with feminism, artists, and hipsters, and I know it escalated when I felt abandoned and had to taxi home by myself from Covent Gardens.
I found myself curled up in a corner on a sidewalk (why do I always think it's an okay idea to start sobbing on street corners?), sobbing hysterically, and bemoaning the death of humanity. I think I actually said, over and over, "The world is dying."
Then I went home and probably scared the shit out of my mom by Skyping her as mascara ran down my face and I howled over and over about this unfortunate death of humanity. Then she had to go to a dinner party so I signed offline and eventually fell asleep.
The thing is, I'm still really concerned about this seemingly melodramatic behavior. I know my friends who were with me on Saturday brushed it aside as "Vanessa Being Drunk," but I wasn't that drunk, and I also recognize the sadness I was feeling.
Here's my theory: I am normally a composed person. Passionate, yes. Accused of being too angry, sure. But I don't allow myself to cry in public often. I do, however, feel my feelings very deeply. So it's really only natural that when I have a few drinks, and lose my inhibitions, the sadness that I feel on a day to day basis comes to the surface in the form of tears, rants, and drama. It happened freshman year, but back then, it was about a boy. I was in love with someone who did not love me back, and while I was silently sad about it constantly, I was very vocally and tearfully sad about it whenever I got drunk. Thank god that passed.
Recently, however, I've felt that same constant sadness about the state of our world. I know I'm supposed to be feeling all happy and optimistic, championing the change we all fought so hard to win with this election. But I don't feel that way at all. I feel hopeless and defeated. I feel as though no one is kind anymore, and no one is a good person. I am not exempting myself. It fills me with terror that the world is inhabited by intolerant, unloving, selfish people. Maybe not everyone is like that, but I do not believe enough of us are good. And I carry that fear and sadness around with me at all times, but only allow myself to truly wallow in it when I've got some alcohol rushing through my system. Hence my outbreak this weekend.
The thing is, freshman year I could tell myself that I would get over the boy eventually, and that it wasn't the end of the world. I'm not sure what I do when I really am crying over the end of the world?